<04 July 2005 - 2:49 a.m.>
Diaryland has been screwing up too much, so I'll be moving to blogspot. Please vist http://astibu.blogspot.com from now on.
And I think I'm gonna stick with the "Tired Ballerina" design. Just more me, I feel.... Sorry, ZY, know you reli like the pink cutesy one, I love that too, but somehow the white background and sweet thing doesn't quite go with my rantings?
=p
Will take a while to shift all my entries over. But I will be posting new entries at http://astibu.blogspot.com from now on.
<01 July 2005 - 2:51 p.m.>
.One more!.
OK! Last one:
Rough layout only, not gonna spend time tweaking it till I've chosen the skin....
*pant* Now I reli gtg!
<01 July 2005 - 1:41 p.m.>
.New Skin.
Alrite, I've put up 3 different skins, please take a look at:
and the one here.
Which is better?
Or is the old, original one nicer?
Tried to do up the "fallen angel" one, but I think I kinda reached the quota at blogspot. Will take down one and put that up once I've had the 1st round of feedback. Got to get my ass out of here too so I can go do work at a cafe, without the internet. =S
Lemme noe watcha think yah?
<01 July 2005 - 1:52 a.m.>
.Poll Time.
OK, poll time!
I changed the skin but I think the white background doesn't show the text too well. What do peopums think??
Or is the black background better? See http://fkhng.blogspot.com
Or is the old, old one better? =S
Or some people liked the "Fallen Angel" one that was "accidentally" displayed for a while?
Please lemme know what you think? =S
<30 June 2005 - 5:15 p.m.>
.Walking with a Limp.
The older i get, the more things I get addicted to.
I used to be just a love addict. Now, I think I'm less addicted to love, but more and more addicted to caffeine, nicotine, amitriptylene, and my lastest discovery, beer. I wonder if that's a good thing or bad. =S Gosh, how grouchy I get without my beer and fags. =S
The older I get, the less tolerance I have for BS as well. The other listening to Jem, and I just thought, ok, maybe I said: You're still young (all but 20). The older you get, the less you're gonna want to put up with this kind of crap.
Why do people play fucking games? Don't waste my time, and don't waste yours.
Gillian:
The older I get, the more I just want people to be straightforward.
-------- Julian Barnes, Love, etc.
Hey, sometimes the truth hurts. Reality hurts. So be it. At least you know. And you move on.
Everything happens for a reason. Good or bad, you always take something away from it. You learn a lil' more about yourself, other people, or the world and life in general. You know a lil' more about what you want, what you don't want; how you wanna live and not live; what you can handle and what you can't. And you grow, go, whatever.
"I had my heart broken. Real bad. And it's the kind of thing that never heals."
"Sure it will. It just heals funny. And you'll just kinda walk with a lil' limp."
--------- "The Upside of Anger"
Reminds me of what I used to say: Time heals all wounds, but it always leaves a scar.
Big, fucking, ugly scars.
<28 June 2005 - 4:19 p.m.>
."Every hour I remember something new".......
While watching "Moscow Virtuosi" last Wednesday nite, I started drifting off during the rather unengaging "Transfigured Night", and suddenly, out of the blue, I remembered the pre-Xmas party at Ann's place 2 years back. Specifically I remembered the scene where I was stuck in a corner of the living room floor coz Ern had fallen asleep with his head on my stomach. :) Heh, I still remember the rest of them on the sofa beckoning me to join in the photo-taking, and I gesticulated resignedly towards the form lying asleep on me stomach. :)
And during Act I in Swanlake last Saturday, there was this part where the ballerina did an assisted grande jete (see photo below). Which suddenly, jolted my memory of that time I did a series of that across the corner with Ern. :) I have no idea where that memory came from -- I have completely forgotten about until then. I can't remember why on earth we were doing that, for whose rehearsal, or for what item. Only the memory of us doing that. And that we must have found it, for some reason, really funny, for we were laughing away and having loads of fun in that memory. :)
photo credit: www.tancos.net
<27 June 2005 - 11:39 p.m.>
.Love, etc..
Dr Robb:
As a doctor, you find yourself recommending exercise to someone who feels exhausted all the time. Or explaining research into the benefits of sunlight to someone who only feels safe lying in bed with the curtains drawn. ���� (Sometimes) you look at a person's life and think that, objectively, they're quite right to be depressed. You would be too if you were in their shoes. And then your job is to try and convince them they're wrong or mistaken to be depressed.
------- Julian Barnes, Love, etc.
Hah. And that was one of the reasons I decided that front line psychiatry or counseling's not for me -- Yes, the world sucks. Life sucks. You're right to want to die. There really isn't very much I can do to help you. Let's all throw ourselves outta window.
This book I'm reading right now is really great though. Another one of my $3 finds at a booksale years ago. XP I remember doing parts of Julian Barnes' Metroland for Prac. Crit. in JC, so I picked this one up. Surprisingly really good. =)
Oh, while I'm on the topic, I'll never buy another book on the "Bestseller's List" again. I can't believe how many people are "raving" about The Time Traveller's Wife. I bought that book (at full price ok! X( ) after all that hype when it first came out, and I've tried -- and given up -- reading it twice. It was so boring! Cheat my $$! X(
Yay, meeting fatboi & jeremy -- 2 of my fav. boys (!) -- for dinner tomorrow. Haven't seen them in ages! I would take photos, of coz, only that my camera's undergoing lens replacement surgery right now. :_( A very expensive one too. =(
P.S. Knees feel surprisingly fine today. Better, actually. ;)
<27 June 2005 - 11:26 p.m.>
.Yay, but broke.
Yay!
Finally managed to get hold of the car-washing Banglah in my carpark. Now my bike's gonna be clean. ( ^ - ^ ) Sigh, gonna be $15 broke-r every month though. :_(
Speaking of broke, just sent my camera for fixing today. Gotta change the lens. $200! X_( Double sigh.
:_(
<27 June 2005 - 1:13 a.m.>
.BadLuck.
Hmm... looks like I will only be doing Zaini's and Ern's item this Next Wave. Wondering if I should request to be casted in another item, since I'm not choreoraphing anymore.... Technically that's only one and a half items, since Voices is so short. And I've never done anything less then 3 items each Next Wave. Even when I was choreographing. It might be good coz it frees up time taken up by rehearsals, but I don't know. One and a half items feels really strange. =S
Sigh, went for the usual tech class and ballet today. Was doing pretty good for the new choreo, and i was thinking: Hmm, not bad. Looks like I still got it. =) Until I went for ballet. ( + _ + ) Was totally useless. My body was just way too fatigued, and my left knee was practically dead. Had to sit out the last exercise coz it got too painful to even be standing. Probably overdid it at tech. =S Sigh, need to see doctor. Probably try to find sometime next week... =(
Oh, and I've gotten a horrid blood blister under my left big toe from tech. Hate them. =(
Sigh, been having a string of badluck recently. =( 1st I lost out on my scholarship, by a nose apparently. Kness are rapidly deteriorating -- so bad on Thurs it felt like I had broken bits of bone stabbing into the soft tissues :_(. The whole of Fri just went terribly wrong. I'm too tired to describe, but part of it involved the latch on my bike box coming off, and a heart attack situation where the latch got stuck and my laptop was locked in, and hearing ghost chuckles while riding. F*** I must have been really down on my luck. Saturday was slightly better 'cept for the stupid road situation due to the NDP rehearsal. In town. What is wrong with these people?? It should be at the national stadium, not in the middle of busy town traffic! X( The idiotic TP at the traffic light skipped our turn four times!!! He only let us go when irate drivers started honking relentlessly.
Things took a better turn when I got to the Esplanade (like finally). Swan Lake was awesome! Both Andy and I were quite taken with one of the soloists in Act I -- Sarah Lamb's her name. Such lovely dance quality! And I said to him: If the soloist's this good, I cant wait to see their principal! Alas, the principal was rather disappointing though. She appeared to be struggling with some steps, and she forgets about her face sometimes. Like she looked really serious when she started her blackswan, and then midway starting smiling, like she'd just remembered she had forgotten about her facial expression. Her white swan wasn't terribly impressive as well. Not as expressive as others I've seen. =( The male principal, on the other hand, was really quite a prince charming. Expressive, technically excellent, charismatic, passionate. Something about these Russians dancers, eh? And he actually did remind me a little of Nureyev. And that elevation and balloon? Wow. Quite swept away, I must say. =p A good production, excellent dancing; though I'd have much preferred a slightly different treatment of the cygnets. =( I still prefer the versions where they had more attack, and in the short classical tutus. MUch cuter. ;p
I also thought my luck was picking up when I managed to get my box latch fixed fortuitously, with the help of a fellow ET8 rider while I was picking up my bike in the Raffles City carpark. ;) But that turned out to be mere wishful thinking -- at Nazri's place later for our makan makan session, Juli dropped my most beloved camera and it doesn't work anymore. :_( Shall attempt to have it fixed tomorrow. =( Sigh.
Having a craving for something grapey. Like Fanta grape or Pokka grape jelly. Yumz! Sigh, should remember to stock up on them. Somehow I always have a craving for them after a long day of dancing. =S Must be the sugar deprivation. =p
<24 June 2005 - 1:29 a.m.>
. Voices.
Woo-hoo! Got all the steps for Ern's dance down. With the help of Suli, Serene, and Zhi. In 2 hours, not bad. Can teach next rehearsal liao. ( ^ - ^ )
Took some pictures of parts of my room the other nite too, so glad it's done up properly finally! ( ^ - ^ )
<23 June 2005 - 5:33 p.m.>
. ;(.
:_( Infected earhole. 2nd top one. Again. :( Had to remove the offensive earstud. All bloody and swollen.
Must be all the bad chi.
;(
<23 June 2005 - 1:27 p.m.>
.Bad chi.
Some people are like poison.
Have you ever met those people who are insensitive, tactless, rude, and makes sacarstic comments about everything thinking it's funny when it's so not? They just end up being offensive and antagonizing. And they are so defensive it's virtually impossible to talk reason with them in an adult manner. Every neutral, objective comment gets taken personally and twisted into a where-did-that-come-from insult that they'll hurl back at you. Just picture a man frantically flinging everythg that comes within his one foot radius without bothering to actually take a look at what he's flinging away.
The best (or worst) thing's that these people are under some delusion that they are really nice and well-liked, "pride themselves on (their) people skills", and think it's really "incomprehensible" that I should feel differently, coz, apparently nobody else had ever expressed the same sentiments. So I was like, "Hmm, reli? I dunno, I tend to be quite straightforward, not reli into the plastic thing where you just smile and ignore and be polite" which I suspect might have been why he's hearing this for the first time. I'm known for my low tolerance of bullshit anyway.
Now for the exciting part:
In response to the "incomprehensible" issue, I juz remarked that "well, many things are incomprehensible to many people, but that doesn't necessary mean that these things don't exist." I sincerely said it in a very objective vein. You, know, like concepts such as ghosts, gods, the holocaust, cold-blooded murders, suicide, parallel universes, etc. are "incomprehensible" to alot of people too. That doesn't mean they don't exist. And this necessary applies to me inclusive, since I used "many people" literally, in a generic sense. Said person responded with a whole barrage of accusations, putting words in my mouth like "blah, blah, blah,... so you think I'm so stupid I belong with the scum at the bottom of the pool.... blah, blah, blah,... "
*Eyes wide with incredulity, jaws dropped, palms facing heavenwards*
I didn't know what to say.
So i tried to cut it short and I said:
"*Shrug* I mean if it's not been a problem for you then nvm lah, maybe it's just me and you, don't react well together. I mean people are different; if we dun get along we dun get along loh. Just not meant to be, no big deal."
Fwah, the response:
"... blahblahblah... you've resigned me from the start as a jerk,... blahblahblah....."
Excuse moi? In which part of my statement did I insinuate that I thought he was a jerk?
My blood reali f***ing boiled, I tried to stay calm so I dun get a stroke, but reli cannot take it, man. It was so fustrating, I don't know to stab him or to stab myself. In the end I juz cut the conversation off coz I really don't want to circle in this negative energy. Very bad chi.
Ended up being so pissed last nite and today. X( And I hate all these unpleasantries. It makes me engage in negative affect, and makes other people unhappy as well, and sometimes I'm forced to be nasty. I hate it when people provoke or antagonize me: I'm pushed into a corner and I've to be mean or nasty to get out of it. Me. No. Like. Bad karma. Bad chi. Very bad chi.
X(
<22 June 2005 - 11:46 p.m.>
.Willing and able.
Juz back from watching "Moscow Virtuosi" with Ti-en. Vladimir Spivakov (conductor) is cool man! I like him. Stylish, but not flamboyant. Conducts scoreless. And he played the solo violin in the first piece, so the orchestra was conductor-less. I was quite taken with his preppy schoolboy playing stance (though he already sports a full head of snow-white hair). Found it rather endearing. =) Pretty good stuff. And the encores were great. Even played a little piece from Swanlake. ( ^ - ^ ). Heh, brings back fond childhood memories of me "air-conducting" to the classical music of the TV transmission (back in the old days where there wasn't 24 TV) =p. Yes, being a music conductor was one of my secret childhood ambitions, up there with being Miss Universe, NASA astronaut, palentologist, housewife, and nun. Hah. Xp
On another note, sent an email out to Ensemble coupla days back in response to the recent fiasco. The juniors are really not getting their act together. Which is strangely a phenomenon of only the recent years. It's not a short mail, but if you bear with it, I think there are lessons to be learnt, dancer or not.
_______________
fannie khng
Hmm, I don't mean to lecture, but I've never understood this chronic problem DE has of attendance and comittment. Why join DE if you don't like and WANT to dance. I don't know what the reasons people have for joining DE; I knew I joined coz I love to dance and hey, it was a free class!!
When I was an undergrad at least, I went for every class, including the twice a week ballet classes we used to have which were actually too basic for me. I just worked on my foundation. Free classes!! These on top of the dance classes I pay to take outside of DE. It's a bit harder now that I'm working and doing my PhD, and of coz I'm old and often injured and forced to rest injuries that take forever to heal.... but i still try my best. ;p
You know it really gets a lot harder to make time and energy after you graduate and start working. Undergrads, if you don't have time now, you'll never have time! Make full use of these years!
Below is an excerpt from my blog entry written last year after TNW -- I had juz gotten off the phone with Daniel, talking about dance and DE. It's abit long, but please bear with me.
Back to DE, if you decide that you can't or don't want to, just let it be known. No judgement. It's NOT a bad or horrible thing. Everyone has different piorities. Nobody's anyone to judge the needs of another's heart. Like Enying (DE president) said, they just need to know the effective number they are working with.
SO, willing and able? *grin*
Love from the DE Senior Citizens Club,
Fannie
Initially I was worried my email might not be taken the right way, but I've had some really positive feedback. Cindy wrote me a mail to thank me coz she thought it was "thought-provoking", David whom i met last nite at Naz's graduation fashion show thought it was really һ���Ѫ��I'm relieved to hear. Well, just some thoughts I felt I should share.... :)
Argh, Ern's item's rehearsal tomorrow evening. Have to go scrutinise the VCD to death now to transcribe the steps. Did the play, playback, pause so much in the afternoon the DVD player started going wonky on me. =S
<21 June 2005 - 3:22 p.m.>
.Wonder Woman.
Just got a call from Zaini. Suddenly I'm in charge of Ern's item for Next Wave. Originally I just offered to Q.C.=p Good thing though that there are enough choreographers so I don't have to choreograph. I don't think I could have been able to cope if I have to be in charge of and dance in Ern's and choreo and dance in my own item, and dance in other items. Especially not with the working fulltime + PhD business... ( @ _ @ )
Of coz, part of me would really like to choreograph. Been in an artistic creation drywell for a really long time now. Not been painting/drawing either. Not even snapping photographs. =( Just bits of writing at most.... Me no like. It feels uncomfortable not creating. =(
But I don't think I should choreo this time round anyway. Just a lil' too much to handle, even for me. As much as I try to live it, I'm really not "Wonder Woman" (from Ori) or "Machine" (as my labmates nicknamed me).
<20 July 2005 - 6:05 p.m.>
.The Return of the Bike Lot Thieves.
Errant knaves!! Think you drive BM very big hor?
@#%$^%*^*&^*^$#
I tell everybody huh, not yours don't take; find handphone please return. What goes around comes around. For every evil deed you commit now you will pay for it double. In time. Maybe not in this life. Next life you come back as a stinking rat.
Not dear E. though, I think he will become a pretty little butterfly. He had to pay the price for the transmigration of suffering by his deed.... But I think he will be a butterfly. No rat. No.
<20 June 2005 - 12:02 p.m.>
.An-pan Man & JJ Baby.
Ahahaha! Cam's up and running so i can put up pictures again. ( ^ - ^ )
Sigh, am such a sucker for cute things. ( + _ + )
<19 June 2005 - 1:49 p.m.>
.Whoopee!.
Whooopee! Finally found the battery charger for my canon ixus! Was this close to buying a new charger. =p Me no like being without me camera. X( Couldn't go round taking photos during our CommunicAsia "camp". X( Took some with E Chiing's cam tho, will put them up when she sends them to me! =)
Ugh, trying to get some more work done before i leave fo show. Laterz...
<16 June 2005 - 7:20 p.m.>
."Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.".
3 down and 1 more to go! Been camped at the Expo whole of this week danicing for Communic Asia. 4 shows a day, 10am-5.30pm ( + _ + ). Dance item is tres tiring. ( + _ + ") Tomorrow last day! =)Sigh, last bout before I start working fulltime next month... :( Getting too old for this shit anyway... Went to HV on Tues nite working on my manuscript and ended up with a serious exhaustion attack. ;( Haven't had that in a while. Bleah! :( Tried working on it for a while last nite too but ended up nodding off half the time. ;( Sigh, ���ϲ����� oledi... Brought my laptop down to the show today and managed to work abit during one of the longer breaks. Now back in the lab. (I not so on lah, willingly ride all the way from Expo to NTU after long day's work -- had to go meet the Assoc. Dean for awhile to discuss some analyses I had done for his project -- which lasted all of 13min btw...) Was thinking I'll just work on the manuscript in the lab for the rest of the nite, but.... kinda sian. It's reli quite dreary to try to do academic work after a full day's work. ( + _ + ) Sigh.
Anyway, i digressed. The point of today's entry is this: http://news-service.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html
Something WL sent me. Quite a good read if you have a few minutes. =)
Back to work. :_(
<13 June 2005 - 2:49 a.m.>
.Video Link.
Apparently Jules' video link at geocities had reached its data transfer cap. Here's an alternative link to Ern's video clip: http://s12.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=2O4NP1W3RRI8U38743IVHLOI6Y
<13 June 2005 - 2:40 a.m.>
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<10 June 2005 - 12:50 p.m.>
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<08 June 2005 - 3:14 p.m.>
.Requiem.
Just watched the video clip Jules made of Ern. ...Cry. But so nice. To hear his voice again, to see him giggle, being cheeky and playful, the cute way he always walked.... ....
For those who knew and miss him: http://www.geocities.com/unrealsmirk/ernest.wmv
Ernest
26th January 1977 - 19th May 2005
I think everytime your heart gets broken, when a loved one leaves you behind, something dies inside of you. Little by little, bit by bit, and one day there'll be nothing left. Just an empty shell and a bloodless heart.... Which nevertheless will continue to beat. And beat. And beat.
<06 June 2005 - 12:59 p.m.>
.:_(.
( @ _ @ )
Super muscle-ache. =( Yoko-yoko-ed half my bod and now my arse is burning... ( @ _ @ )
:_(
<01 June 2005 - 12:15 a.m.>
.X(.
Ugh!!!! I had half an entry written (was writing in between watching the Stanton Welch ballet), when my laptop juz logged off and shut down. Either my laptop went crazy, or I had very senilely pressed the "Off" button when i was trying to press the "Calculator" button (dammit they're not even close together!!) Ugh! I really fear it's the latter. The extent of my senility these days is really quite horrifying. =( I was juz blogging juz now bt how I had rushed home to catch Stanton Welch's ballet on Central to realize that I had mixed up the timings. It was the tenors at 10 and the ballet at 11pm. Not the other way round as I had thought. See, my brain's obviously still in orbit. =(
Sigh, like i was saying just now, H.G. Wells' The Invisible Man's showing next Monday at 10pm on Central. You'd better double check though. As I have demonstrated, my brain's not exactly the most reliable thing around right now... ( + _ + ) It is a must watch though, the classic black and white film. Never seen the film, but it was one of the saddest stories I've ever read. Or maybe it was 'coz i'd read it when i was very young and easily traumatised. =S You know I think they should have censorship ratings for literature. Some of the books that I'd innocently picked up when I was young (and i mean young), really freaked me out -- Edgar Allan Poe, Dickens (Tale of Two Cities *gulp*), The Invisible Man, etc. -- should be rated NC-16 at least! =S
Real tired and busy buzzing around the whole day. Another day of the same tomorrow. ( + _ + )
Gtg sort out work stuff now.
*dragging my feet*
<31 May 2005 - 6:21 p.m.>
."There was this teacher....
... who wore nothing but a thong, and walked around naked in the classroom all day..."
That's what I thought I heard the speaker said as I accidentally drifted away to dreamland; I could hear his voice still, and saw the image of a scrawny 40-year-old British man in white briefs (and no, D. Clarke does not look like that)... Nothing sexy or lewd about that you will agree.
Am so super sleepy. Couldn't keep awake. Need coffee and cigarettes. Now.
<30 May 2005 - 10:47 p.m.>
.Fatigued.
"He lit up the sky such that for the first time, she saw the world...."
Alegria's on now, but I'm way too tired. Slept less than 3 hrs last night after a very long and tiring day, and a busy weekend. Had gone for a bite with Shaun after Amber and we got so carried away talking we left after 2am. It was the first time we'd actually really talk-talked; but it was really pretty good talking... And I had totally forgotten that I had to wake up early today coz, duh, the conference starts today. Didn't realise till I checked after I got home, that I had to wake up b4 7am ( + _ + )... by the time I went to bed it was 4-ish. =( Ugh, what is wrong with me?? I knew I attend conference Monday to Wed, I knew I present on Tue, I knew I have to finish my powerpoint, and I knew conferences are day-long 9am-6pm affairs, but somehow all the connections were lost somewhere.... Ugh! This will not do at all! X(
I. h.a.v.e. t.o. g.e.t. a. g.r.i.p. o.n. m.y.s.e.lf. ....
Ok, cannot make it liao. Talk tomorrow.
...Aww... but it's such a sweet love story.... Dammit, now I have to watch it. ( @ _ @ )
<30 May 2005 - 7:00 p.m.>
.At Book Cafe.
Arghhhhh! Some errant knave has parked over the bike lots again!!!!! @#!$#!@$#$$#!$
They will be punished....!! X(
<29 May 2005 - 2:45 a.m.>
.Memories.
I've changed my mind. This sucks. I want somebody.
------------
I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She will hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me
I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear
Of those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it.
-- Somebody by Depeche Mode (like anybody wouldn't know)
-----------
"Burning Dreams" was excellent. "Madagascar" was rather disappointing though. Or maybe it's just my mood. Ultima Vez was depressing, as usual. Bumped into a lot of dancers though -- Shaun, Jen Bao, Jingyi, Albert, Daniel K.....
... Ern was in my thoughts throughout. Actually he's been in my mind all the time.... It's still so unreal... Meeting the gang for the movie, I kept expecting to see him pop up round the corner... never happened of coz.... It's hard coz he's almoz always been my partner, so many times so many years... and like Julz said, I remember something new every hour.... I remember Nancita, I remember Ramayana, I remember the pas de deux we did for Jeff's video thg, I remember Claud's Nike show, the ACM show, hiding on the ACM steps feasting on his stall's leftovers and giggling midway during our dance at our side-lift boo-boo.... I remember most of all Anaglyphs, the substation project we did with daniel K... still remember the time rehearsal came to a halt as Ern chased me ard the studio and we ended up in a heap of tickles and laughs on the dance floor; and Andrea and Daniel K, eyes wide with wonder at what was with the 2 of us... 'Twas a Hero private joke I remember..... And I remember the time Ern cracked up at Pam tripping at Soundbar, how the 2 of us just couldn't stop laughing... our wanton mees at S11, and the very sweet thg Ern did for me with the wanton skin..... and the times I fetched him ard on my bike... He loved being on my bike -- "There's somethg about being on a bike. It's so.... nice." And he'll always giggle everytime I wobbled. He giggled alot... I'll miss that. And the boob and butt poking..... and how he always caught the slightest hint of disdain ("I saw that") or melancholy in me.....
I miss you. And please know that I love you very much. You will always be with us and we will always be with you.
Everytime I remember his giggle, I smile. As I told Kef, after the funeral last Sunday, "�뵽����ʱ��ҪЦ����Ҫ�ޡ�" We must remember him with a smile and not with tears....
Sigh, it's time for Ben Okri again:
"This heart is small but I have never been able to understand how it can take so much suffering and still go on beating. But it does. It does. I don't know how."....
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<26 May 2005 - 9:35 p.m.>
.Quiet.
Ugh. Why is the spot just outside my lab always chosen to be the hub of activity by strange people loitering around at 9.30pm on a weekday night?? I am feeling rather compelled to stick up a sign on the door saying: "Please do not sing/ practice your trumpet/ quarrel/ organise orientation outside this lab. There are people trying to work in here!!" X( Stuck my head out the door for a bit to give a sign: "halo! I'm trying to do work in here!"... of course, no effect.... should leave soon anyway... not like i'm geting a lot of work done anyway... didn't know what to do with myself so I just stayed in the lab trying to get some work done.....
Sigh. I finally had to stick my head out again to tell them to please kindly keep it down coz i'm trying to work in here. Think i closed the door with too much force though. It went all hushed. I felt quite bad. Didn't mean to vent all the crap that has been building up inside over the past months, but it must have come across as thus,... even if they were really annoying... Sigh, now that it's all so quiet, I'm kinda regretting it.
<26 May 2005 - 2:18 p.m.>
.Swan Lake.
So Andy has managed to get released reserved VIP box seats for Swan Lake. But it's gonna be $152. =( Can i afford to go?? =S I hate the VIP box though. The view is no good. X( How how how?? :_( *struggle struggle struggle* ( @ _ @ )
<25 May 2005 - 4:26 p.m.>
.Afternoon dim sum.
Alright, something light-hearted for all to have a giggle or 2...
A passage from my current read, A Year in the Merde, by Stephen Clarke:
"She really had taken her MBA course to heart. Sex for her was like a business model.
We did some swift, efficient asset-stripping, carried out the required amount of research and development, then i was invited to position my product in her niche market. I did my best to satisfy her high demand with as much supply as i could muster. After a period of violently fluctuating market penetration, the bubble finally burst and we sank back, our sales forces completely spent."
Heh. I love Brit lit.
Thought I should read something not-too-depressing for a change.
<25 May 2005 - 1:43 p.m.>
.Anhedonia.
You know that you're somehow not in very good shape when you want to cry when your pencil breaks....
And I just realised I had a cut on the bridge of my nose. I have neither memory of what'd happened, nor felt any pain. Maybe I'm suffering from an acute case of anhedonia... *shrug*
Have not done a spot of work since the week before. The past week had been so surreal. It still feels so unreal to me.....
I didn't want to go to the wake. What Kef said was true -- going to the wake makes it real. But I did. I went the first night, everyone was there. Ros held my hand and brought me to see him. But i couldn't look. Just couldn't. And we were all going to see StarWars that night. In the end we still went. With an empty seat. I went the next night as well, but it was much quieter the second night. Just YZ, YE, Em, Jan, Ju, and me. Was packing my room the whole day before that, and thought I should go keep him company for a bit. And i finally got to see him. YZ and YE held each of my hands and brought me. Heh, we were saying he wouldn't have approved of the hair and make-up. They should have used M.A.C. That's what he liked. The next day was hard too. Rushed there after teaching class and managed to see him one last time before they closed the coffin. And then the cremation, the final goodbyes...
Ok, I'm too tired. I didn't manage to write what I had wanted to write. I'll come back to it later I suppose....
<18 May 2005 - 6:07 p.m.>
.Sleepy in da Lab.
..... ( + _ + ) ......
Schleepy schleepy! Trying to plough through a rather hard to read paper for Journal Club tomorrow. =( Paper from Belgium. They have a rather strange way of expressing themselves. Our whole lab's not understanding them very well.... ( @ _ @ )
Bleah!
Had a little diversion in the afternoon though: there was an NIE inter-departmental 6 X 600m relay triangle race just outside the lab and our prof was part of the CRPP team. So we all went to "give our support" (i.e., skive, =p). It was pretty fun actually, and my, does HR have a lot of runners?? This lady, she looks like she's in her 40s; one look at her long, strong legs and body you know she's a long distance runner. Apparently the gals see her running the NTU perimeter all the time. That is like how many much kilometres?!? ( @ _ @ ) Even Prof Goh and Prof Lee were running... and they were really quite fast actually, despite their age... you see them in their offices looking so frail and scholarly... never'd have thought!!
Went out testing at some primary school in Chua Chu Kang early early in the morning. ( @ _ @ ) You know how far that id from my hm?? Have to go beyond NTU on the KJE. ( @ _ @ ) Raining somemore. =( Wanted to go home earlier last night to (1) unpack (just changed bedroom furniture, had to shift and re-arrange everything back in my room), (2) sleep earlier to wake up early this morn. Plans were ruined of coz coz Darryl suddenly called to meet up. Darryl from hall in NUS. I have not seen that boy since he left for Boston 7 years ago!! We were commenting how it seemed like nothing has changed in that space! Were happily drinking our beers and having our dinner at Bala. Finally satisfied my ostrich craving! =p
More on yesterday:
--------
Long and bz day rushing ard in the rain. Chiro in the morning @ tanglin, fitting for tomorrow's shoot @ Henderson, rushed to lab for Methods Series, rushed out again to Ritz for rehearsal and show, on to The Arts House to catch the last day of the "Jafri meets Warhol" and Reuters journophoto exibits, and then to Suntec for catching up with Darryl. *pant*
Chiropractor thinks I've made functional improvement. Not feeling it though. Hope I will soon. *XfinXgersX*
Kept dozing off at the Methods lecture. Dunno why I'm so sleepy. =( Think it may be the amitryp. Like if i stop moving I'll just fall asleep, even if I don't feel sleepy. =S
Show was ok, 'cept that Andrea and i both confused yesterday's show with the show on Monday. =S This is wat happens when you have 2 shows on consecutive days and rehearsals on consecutive days, using the same choreo, but in different sequences and blocking (coz Monday's show had 10 dancers; yesterday was just Andrea and I). Thank goodness it wasn't too obvious, our boo boos. =p Good to see Ern, Sas, and Zaki too. The boys were backing up for CCCrush.
Arts House was cool. Saw an Andy Warhol ("The Unknown Woman") which was going at a whooping $2,200,000!! Fell in love with one of the Reuters photos. Going to be sold at a Live Auction, starting bid $500. Wonder how high it will go. Keep thinking about it man. Reli love it. =(
----------
Ok, I have news that there's gonna be a STORM. I should leave perhaps now. Dammit. Bad traffic time. =(
Gtg sleep early tonite too. Call time 8am tom. =( And there's still packing/unpacking to do. =(
<15 May 2005 - 11:17 p.m.>
.No Compromise.
Feeling a little better today. Last nite was feeling pretty crap. Maybe i felt better coz I danced much today (Rehearsal 2-5pm, some travelling, and ballet 6-8pm), or maybe it's the adrenaline rush watching the GP. Made it to Bojangles pretty early today, with 13laps to go. Real exciting race today-- Rossi started pole position but was going at 6/7th place; started closing in on Edwards who wqas leading for a while, but it took awhile before he overtook to first place, and Edwards was relegated to 3rd at that turn where he made the mistake of opening too wide a window for Gibernau to come in between him and Rossi. It was pretty intense when the 3 of them were jostling for the spots. Almost a rear-wheel-to-front-wheel situation. Got me really kan cheong for awhile. Gene said he'd never seen me drink my beer so fast. Stressed what. Really quite a race. The guys put in a really close fight. Gibernau kept right on Rossi's heels, trying his best to repeat champ at Le Mans. He had been the champ at Le Mans for the past 2 years apparently. He came close, but not close enough. Came in 2nd place, 0.38 secs behind Rossi. He broke a circuit record too (but it was later broken by Rossi: 1.33 sumthin sumthin). Feel slightly bad for him-- he looked pretty disappointed. Anyways, R.e.s.p.e.c.t.
Came home pretty early, 10-nish, made a very spicy beef pho for a late dinner (am pretty greedy today =p Hey, was starving ok, been dancing the whole day with only toast for breakfast =()... Then I read the article in the papers (Chinese papers; yes, we subscribe to the daily in both languages) about Ms Goh, my former ballet academy principal, and her husband. And i have to say: "Awwww...." They were childhood sweethearts. Been "together" since they met in Primary One! Ms Goh is so full of grace. I remember I used to think I wanted to age gracefully, just like Ms Goh. I still remembered the time I was doing my Elementary exams (err, that's a misnomer actually, for the non-dance people-- it's not elementary at all-- comes after grade 8) -- I was the only girl from SBA and I got so stressed one day and broke down in tears in class when Ms Goh came to watch my exam preparation. And Ms Goh very nicely took me outside and calmed me down with her kind words... Anyway, I digress... Ms Goh's husband is such a sweet, loving, and supportive man! I never knew... I'll just cite the interviewer's words to sum it up: "һ�������ܳ��ڰ��Լ����·�һ��,���ޱ�����֧������,�ڶ�������ﲻ�㳣��.�����ż�����������������Ϊ������ͭ��,ֻ����ϵ�˵,���������Ҹ�,����һ����ô�����Ϲ�."
Sigh, ��Ҳ���Ҹ�...... :_(
For the mandarin-challenged, basically Ms Goh huband is a very successful businessman, multi-national businesses in property, f&b, fisheries, art galleries, and bird farms (he breeds endangered speces [speci?]], and a personal art collection worth $2,000,000), and he has been actively supporting and helping Ms Goh's passion and work in dance all through the years. His reason is very simple-- because he loves Ms Goh and dance is Ms Goh's passion, Ms Goh's life.... basically the interviewer's parting words were that it's really rare in an Asian society to see a man place his wife above everything else (yes that means work included!) and be such a perenial pillar of strength, love and support. A bronze sculpture of Ms Goh dancing sits in the centre of the water feature in their yard. Specially comissioned by him. Ms Goh was really fortunate and blessed to have a married such a great husband....
�Ҹ� is a very precious word. "Fortunate and blessed" don't quite do it justice, but i dunno of a better word, so it'll have to do.
I want to be �Ҹ� too. =( Yup, no compromise this time!!
Speaking of compromise, I had meant to blog on this after reading an article in the ST some days ago.... I quote from Colin Goh's "RGS girls and their low growls", �ԣ�塡�ӣ�������ԣ�����May 8, 2005:
"While I feel some sympathy, I'm getting increasing annoyed by men pleading for women to be less picky -- because it makes us sound whiny. What does it say about us men that we would want women to dumb down their expectations for us, or actively seek women with lower expectations? As my old RSM would say: 'You damn no pride!'
The fact is, asking women to be less picky is really an argument borne on men's laziness. If we really want them to desire us, then we have to do better, not ask them to want less. It's tough, yes, because the dice are stacked in many ways, but it beats wimping out."
No wimps for me, thank you very much.
And thanks Colin Goh. You are now officially my second favourite SPH writer. ;p
Oh boy, this has been a long blog. Thanks for staying with me, I have to get redi for bed now. Stage rehearsal at 9am tomorrow. ( + _ + )
<15 May 2005 - 2:17 a.m.>
.Black Hole.
Argh! Ti-en sent me a game link and I was glued playing awhile.. not that the games were very interesting, but there were so many I juz kept opening.. ;(
Well, if you wanna pass time, http://www.ebaumsworld.com/games.shtml
Some rambling...
-----------
The lightening tonite was reli scary... purple skies... gotham city.... I could almost hear the "angels" sing.... Almost left my bike at fullerton coz of the wet road situation, but decided to ride sice the rain had dwindled to a light drizzle. Made it back in one piece.....I hate wet carpark floors. Particularly, I hate the my wet multi-storey carpark floor. I swear I feel xhbb quiver everytime she passed the unfortunate spot she slipped last September....
-----------
Dinner at Fullerton's Waterboat House (think that's what it's called). Pretty decent. Chocolate fondue was real yummy. No complaints.
Drinks at Jazz @ Southbridge. Jazz was great but the coffee there's exhorbitant. $10 a cup (Boncafe i believe??)!!
------------
My hairstylist's a RMIT grad. With an uber cool lambretta tatt on his arm. How cool is that??
-------------
Thanks to Levi's new square cut jeans, I finally have a pair of Levi's I can wear. Thanks for thinking of us square-hipped gals.
-------------
The Prophet by Kahil Gibran is some really good stuff. Read it if you've not.
------------
I want to go away.
To a black hole of nothingness.
<10 May 2005 - 4:20 p.m.>
.The Prophet.
Am reading The Prophet by Kahil Gibran now. Came upon this sentence I thought would be well-suited on a psychoanalyst's door:
"For he himself could not speak his deeper secret."
Xp
Alrighty, back once again to the exciting world of Multivariate Statistics....
<10 May 2005 - 2:53 p.m.>
.Dreamz.
Oh man. Just took a 15min nap in the lab, and I had such weird dreams. It was quite long and complex too so I'd thot that I overslept. Woke up to find that the alarm's not rung yet.... :S
So sleepy. ( + _ + ) I'm afraid Using Multivariate Statistics is not as interesting as Holes.. :(
=p Think I'd better go make some coffee...
*Yawn*
p.s. It's raining men outside! (I wish!) Nah, just the regular cats and dogs.
;p
<10 May 2005 - 11:39 a.m.>
.Yay!.
Turns out I might get to see Swan Lake afterall! :) Now XfinXgerX that Andy will be able to get 3 tix so Ben could come too! Ben, block out those dates on your planner ya, standby for mobilisation. =p
<09 May 2005 - 6:35 p.m.>
.Holes.
Hah! Juz done reading Holes by Louis Sachar. Some light reading that turned out to be surprising enjoyable! =) Think it was made into some movie or min-series. Caught the trailers on TV once and I was like "Hey, I have that book!" Got it brand new for $3 at a book sale coupla years back but never got down reading it. Nice good old story... =)
Ok, back to Using Multivariate Statistics now. =( By Tabachnick and Fidell, if anybody's interested.
=p
<09 May 2005 - 5:37 p.m.>
.Awww.
Aww... the canteen uncle's so nice. Went to get food and realised I'd forgotten to bring my wallet. :( Was gonna cancel my order when the uncle told me not to worry abt it... juz pay him another time, "as and when it's convenient, no need to come specially"... =)
Hmm, know what, today's actually not a bad day.. ( ^ - ^ )
<09 May 2005 - 12:59 p.m.>
.Imbalance.
So the chiropractor thinks it's a skeletal imbalance problem, which is what Chris oredi noticed. He thinks he can fix me though, so looks like there's hope still! :) I have to go twice a week for the 1st coupla weeks though... $$$$$ :S Oh well, worth a shot. See how it goes. ;)
P.S. Thanx N. =)
<06 May 2005 - 4:32 p.m.>
.Tired.
Slept abt 5am rushing analysis for today's dicussion and woke up at 8am for a very painful and long casting (some dance-photo-thing involving lots of grande jetes and sissones in pointe shoes) :(. Got to lab just in time for meeting in prof, and rushed to the HLM workshop after. Just got back in. Too tired to work. All the gammas and taus and mus ( + _ + ).... don't think they go very well with sleep deprivation and the new double-dose of amitrip I've been put on :S. Got to run off soon too; meeting Ros for din din and then accompanying her to the Fly party tonite. Don't think I'll be much good there, am too tired, I want to go home and sleep, but I've promised to go with her and I hate letting frens down.:(
Oti sms-ed me to go for some anti-death penalty thg. Dunno wat's happening exactly, but I'm not available anyway. I am against retributive punishment. It's stupid. But more about that next time. Wanna get out before the peak hr traffic starts.
Over and out.
<04 May 2005 - 4:23 p.m.>
.Stop.
"... I wanted it to stop, like you can just pull the plug of a computer out of the wall if it crashes, because I wanted to go to sleep so that I wouldn't have to think how much it hurt because there was no room for anything else in my head, but I couldn't go to sleep and I just had to sit there and there was nothing to do except to wait and to hurt."
----- The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, Mark Haddon
<28 April 2005 - 1:12 p.m.>
.Le Computer.
Hah, received this joke in a forwarded email juz. Thought I'll put it up for everyone to have a laugh. Quite befitting my current sentiment on gender issues.
*****
A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike
English,nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine - "la maison." "Pencil," however, is masculine "le crayon."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(No chuckling guys ... this gets better!!!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time THEY are the problem;
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
*****
;p
Am in a slightly better mood today.
1. Mr Yap got his boys to knock out Xhbb's bengkok side so both sides are nice and flushed now. ( ^ - ^) And boy did xhbb get a lot of compliments today! ( ^ - ^ )
2. Am wearing my new pants from Topshop (+ new Mng top). Cut and color very retro. I like. =)
3. Meeting the gals for dinner tonight. Haven't seen them in ages. =)
Ok, time to finish up the analysis. Laterz.
<28 April 2005 - 1:44 a.m.>
.Grossed Out.
Men are gross. Double confirm.
To think that I was thinking just hours ago when i got home, flipping channels on the tv all alone: I'm tired. I wanna get married and go home and watch tv with a husband.
Bah!
Grossed out. And i have a splitting headache to boot. And I have to finish the analysis tonight for discussion tomorrow. Don't think I'm gonna to last. Think I'll juz run all the analyses and leave the interpretation for tomorrow. Maybe when xhbb's getting serviced. I hope they have power outlets. Think maybe i'm coming down with sthg. Bad headache, ENT passages have been irritated past few nights, and I've been so tired I don't know why. Kept oversleeping. =( I should go to the doctor's if it gets worse. And i imagined what I would say to him (while in the shower juz now): "I think I'm coming down with sthg... like death, maybe?"
Good thing my follow-up with the rheumatologist's due on May 4. I'm gonna tell him his drug's not working anymore. I'm not sleeping well again, I've started grinding my teeth, am dreaming and remembering them again, am tired all the time again, and the pain's not getting any better! X( He'd better give me sthg else. X(
Sigh. Dunno why I bother being concerned 'bt people who dun give 2-shits. Had a realization just now that i've been so angry because i care too much. It's dumb, but I can't help it. Dammit! X(
Grrrrr. Ok, chill. Data analysis. I want to sleep tonite. At least a little.
<26 April 2005 - 12:30 p.m.>
."Allow".
Received a Frenster message today which I found hilarious. He (I dunno who this person is, but I usually will answer Qns regarding bike stuff) was asking about my bike (picture of me on my xiaopink's on my profile), and somewhere along came this line:
"Wow cool eh !!! so yr bf allow u to ride ah ?? So what's your bf riding?"
I dunno, but I just found it hilarious. So I replied:
"No bf. Even if i do, no bf would be so daring as to ALLOW or DISALLOW me to do anything. I don't need anybody's permission. X(
So what are you riding then?
Your GF 'allow' you to ride?
hahaha"
;p Obviously I'm still in a all-men-are-bastards-men-are-gross-idiotic-chauvinistic-arseholes men-hating phase. I actually had to exercise considerable self-restraint to refrain from including the previous multi-hyphenated phrase in my reply...
* Disclaimer: Any obnoxious denunciations are reflective of current sentiment only, as opposed to longstanding feelings or beliefs. I am usually a little less maladjusted.
Anyway,
The Red Violin is on at 9.30pm, Arts Central tonite!!
This is a must-watch. One of the best films I've ever seen. Don't miss it! =)
<24 April 2005 - 1:37 a.m.>
....I'm so tired of being here....
Listening to Evanescence's My Immortal on repeat.
Juz because.
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
...... ......
I need to dance. Not class, not show; dancing for me. I hope the studio'll be empty before class tomorrow. I'll dance to this.
Hope everyone's well.
Happy Birthday Ti-en.
<23 April 2005 - 1:57 p.m.>
.Sold Out.
ARRRGHHHHH! SWAN LAKE IS SOLD OUT!!!!
Already!
It's 24-26 June for Christ's sake. What is wrong with people!??!?! X_( Dammit! X(
Anyway, Ultima Vez, SDT & Amber are taken.
<22 April 2005 - 11:56 a.m.>
.Arts Fest.
Phew.
Finally finished gg through and shortlisting the Arts Fest Events. Just received it last night. Ok, shortlist is below; prices in brackets is the range I'm considering; am gg for Swan Lake and SDT with Ben, not sure 'bt Ultima Vez yet. The rest are open for booking! Anybody wants to go to any?? Please let me noe ya. ;p
Ben,
1. Anymore u want to go?
2. Ultima Vez?
3. Which days?
Let me noe, we book soon
Theatre
- Amber, National Theatre Company of China
26-29 May, 8pm
Esplanade Theatre ($52/$42)
- Theremin- Ether Music and World History, Hotel Pro Forma (Denmark)
21-22 June, 8pm
Victoria Theatre ($32/$21)
Family Entertainment
- Ola Kala, Les Arts Sauts (French)
1-5, 8-12 June, 8pm
Bugis open ground ($42, free seating)
* Trapeze Performance! =)
Dance
- Swan Lake, The Royal Ballet (UK)
24-26 June, 8pm
25 June, 3pm
Esplanade Theatre ($62 [$52 Matinee])
- Puur, Ultima Vez (Belgium)
27-28 May, 8pm
Victoria Theatre ($32/$42)
- Stravinsky Dances, SDT + Marie-Claude Pietragalla (SG/France)
3-4 June, 8pm
25 June, 3pm
Esplanade Theatre ($32)
Music
- Goran Bregovic and his Band (Serbia & Montenegro)
8-9 June, 7.30pm
Esplanade Concert Hall ($21/$32)
- The Philadelphia Orchestra (USA)
28 May, 7.30pm
Esplanade Concert Hall ($52/$82)
* Lang Lang plays Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto No. 1 in B flat minor, Op. 23!
<21 April 2005 - 11:55 p.m.>
.ANGWEEE!!.
Just done entering the test and asignment scores and realised and I had forgotten to print out and mark one assignment. And I thought I was done marking. Damn. Sigh, tomorrow then. Well, marking is by far less depressing then facing and trying to salvage my data analysis anyway. =(
:_(
Morale very low. Sigh.
Was in such a foul mood today. Actually yesterday too. But yesterday was more subdued. Like I didn't know how angry I was till this stupid MALE driver was being ass on the road, and then looked some other way coz he obviously KNEW he was being an ass and that I would be GLARING at him. And this great rage just welled up in me; i was like: "WHY DO MEN JUST HAVE TO BE SUCH FRIGGING ASSHOLES!!!!"
Angwee!!
X(
Ok, chill. Ugh. Think I'm just in a man-hating phase right now. Male frens may like to stay away in case you accidentally bear the brunt of any sudden choleric outburst. And like I said to Sach last nite, it's so unfair there isn't a female (/male, depending on how you look at it) equivalent for "misogynist", right?? Ugh, this world is so gross.
Anyway...
Damn. Got home at 10.30pm and thought I could go to bed after doing some work... have been feeling so tired the past few days, i don't know why. Watched a bit of O.C. Not getting to me though. Don't know what the fuss is about. Maybe i just don't know how to watch TV anymore. Bleah.
Hope the cello concert'll cheer me up tomorrow.
Nite.
<20 April 2005 - 3:27 p.m.>
.Done-ded.
Appointment made (dammit doctor's on leave so I'll have to wait till May). Also remembered to make xhbb's 20k service appointment. And I'm going to Tango Fire! ( ^ - ^ ) Heh, managed to find company who also had somethg on in the evening, so matinee's good for both of us. Circle 2 balcony though, wonder if it's decent enough. Bloody $77 for lousy seats. =( And I bought a ticket for the Cello Concert this Friday as well. Yep. A ticket. One. Uno. Solo. Saw the cellist giving a preview on the morning show today--ELGAR Cello Concerto In E minor, Op. 85 -- my fav. Can really do with some of that right now.... She sounds pretty good, been compared to the young Yo-Yo Ma.... we shall see... ;p
<19 April 2005 - 11:26 p.m.>
.Smile.
Found this at the end of one of my students' test scripts while marking earlier today.....
Oh well, it did make me smile....
=)
<19 April 2005 - 10:18 p.m.>
.Chiropractor.
That's it, me gonna call the chiropractor tomorrow. A freaky thing happened at ballet today. Halfway through class and my legs kinda went dead. Heavy, numb, useless. Couldn't even take standing and I had sit on the floor and prop them up against the barre. Had to wait quite a painful while before I could even wriggle my toes.. =( I was seriously freaked out. Nothing like that has ever happened before. No matter how tired and overworked my body was it never gave up on me like that. Not when I did 3 Zaini items back to back at TNW '02; not when i danced 9hrs straight without food or loo break for last year's TNW. Yes, I apparently went purple, my lungs felt like they were gonna burst, feet sore, raw, and blistered, muscles tired and limbs floppy -- but never like what happened today. I asked Lau shi if maybe I wasn't warm enough, ya noe, the blood wasn't quite going around or something coz it did feel a little like that, but we both thought it quite impossible. It was already more than halfway through class-- after barre and petit allegro. Lau shi thinks something might be wrong with my spine. Not exactly unlikely given the worsening pain in my back and limb-weakness I've been feeling of late. =(
And for the last time Mel: It's NOT phantom pain!!! X(
Anyway, I read in some advertisement that chiropractry (?) can take care of "chest-rib pain" too (I'm not kidding, those were the exact words), which is something I've started getting of late.... Might as well. Good thing I made a bit of money recently, it's gonna cost man.... :_(
Oooh, just saw the trailer for Tango Pertampas. Am so tempted to watch it. Squeeze in the matinee before Boeing Boeing... but the ticket prices' really daylight robbery... =( Even if I'm willing, I dunno who else I actually know would want to pay that kinda money to go. =S Maybe I'll just go alone. I should really learn to get used to doing all these things alone.... watch movie alone, eat alone, two things I really hate to, and almost never do alone. Watching a performance is somehow not that bad. I dunno, I'm weird that way. Bite me.
Ok, better go soon. I should really start sleeping early. Earlier at least. Put in an early day at the lab. "Progress update" meeting this Friday. =( Like, what progress?? I've been busy doing the 8 Nations project for Lionel, and I'm just done marking my students' test papers. I've still got the assignments to mark. Damn I have to start working on my own paper.
=(
<14 April 2005 - 11:35 p.m.>
...
Plato is dead.
<12 April 2005 - 11:37 p.m.>
.For Ben.
This is for Ben!
Sorry I missed your birthday!! *Standing in corner pulling my ears; ���˼��* :_(
Happy Belated Birthday!!
<12 April 2005 - 3:37 p.m.>
.Reprise.
Sigh, have a full-day shoot tomorrow. Call-time 7.30am. Which means I wake up at 6am. Fortunately I let myself sleep abit last nite, after having worked straight for more than 24hrs... and drinking after that somemore ;p (well I need a beer, or five, after all that work and stress) .... by the time i hit the sack, I'd been awake for some 39hours. ( @ _ @ )
Alright, better go now. Gtg for casting, and renew my PDL... which is expiring unused.... again. =S
Oh, and this is for Ti-en who couldn't find my "Plato" entry (coz Diaryland screwed up my archives..)...
-
Excerpt from "Plato", 30-07-2004:
"Plato had this theory that people were made hermaphrodites and were split into two on our descent from heaven, and thus we spend our lives roaming the face of the earth searching for the other halves of ourselves����
It is rarely easy, often hard. We try, we love, we fall, we try, and we fall again. ��How many times can one be broken?�� We ask ourselves. And we become afraid. Afraid to try, afraid to fall, afraid to say: I love you.
For those who have loved and lost
For those who are afraid
For those who believe
For those who want to believe
For those who still believe.��
This was my synopsis in the program for the dance I made last September�� I guess i made it for myself mostly ��coz I believed and I wanted to believe��. And it was getting really hard��. Life always has to make it so goddamn difficult, no?
-
<12 April 2005 - 2:38 p.m.>
.ˮ. ��. ��.
Stole this from Ben's blog (who's sharing what he saw somewhere on the net) =p
...it's really sweet.....
*Tip: For those who can't see my chinese fonts, Right click anywhere on the page, select "Encoding", select "Simplified Chinese". I was really surprised that nobody else I talked to knew about this.
Anyway,....
��˵�����㿴�����������ᣬ��Ϊ����ˮ�
����
ˮ˵�����ҿ��Ըо��õ�������ᣬ��Ϊ���������
Translation for the Chinese-disabled:
Fish: "You can't see that I'm crying, because I'm in the water.
Water: "I can feel you crying, because you're in my heart"
=S
<11 April 2005 - 9:37 a.m.>
.Mrs Kimura.
ARGHHH! Took a nap (was up all night analyzing the darn 8 Nations data) and who did I marry in my dream?? Takuya Kimura!! Hmm, I've never reli had a thing for him - not reli my type of guy - but it was pretty... nice, i must say... =p Why did I have to wake up??? My life's so suckie now, can't I even be granted abit of happiness in a dream?? X_( Give me back my Kimura-kun! X(
Sigh. Back to the data. Damn it's taking forever!! Ugh. I need to get this done like, now. Why did I volunteer to do this?? Oh ya, the junior authorship dangling at the end. If the paper ever gets published. But it's really turning out to be a mamoth and problematic endeavor - not what I'd expected at all!! =( Think Lionel forgot about it though- hasn't chased me for it yet. =p But i'll better get it done soon and good. He is the Assoc. Dean, however benign he looks. *gulp*
Ugh, and Prof. is away on conference in NY. Am Prof-less. So many questions, nobody to ask. So afraid I'm doing something wrong. =S And he's like expecting my own paper to be ready for submission by the time he gets back. Which is this Friday I think. Hah. God help me.
Sigh.
Laterz.
*Hunched over, head down, and dragging my feet back to work*
*p.s. Nose has been leaking since yesterday. Still leaking. DAmn annoying.X(
*p.p.s. Thank you speech
I would like to thank dear Chris (hah, he doesn't know of my blog anyway) for working on my back yesterday before ballet. That guy is good alright. It's amazing how well he knows my anatomy just by taking ballet classes together. He could even tell I had fibromygi..(aiya, dunno how to spell lah- anyway this condition I have that makes my soft tissues easily inflamed cozing much pain and muscle tension- not something actually very visible)...
I also would like to thank Gene for the Ducati pencil-makeup case thing he'd thoughtfully "hand-carried all the way back from Italy" - although I am still waiting for my Rossi top.... XP
And last but not least, I thank Mel for getting me the Howl's Moving Castle VCD coz I was quite sad to have missed it!
( ^ - ^ )
<08 April 2005 - 10:02 a.m.>
.Today's Tune.
This funny thing's been going on: Everytime I get on my bike in the morning and start riding, a random song will start playing in my head. Yesterday was Fish Leong's "Yong Qi", the day before was "Fly Me to the Moon", few days prior had been some classical music pieces I can't remember the names of, and today was Damien Rice's "The Blower's Daughter". Listening to it now on repeat. Sigh.
<05 April 2005 - 12:13 a.m.>
.Love and Money.
Hah. I just have to write this down man...
Just caught an episode of Casino. Dun normally watch it, but well, since I'm home so early, thought, I'll vege out in front of the telly for a bit. Anyway, there was this loser kinda-guy who got fired from his job, evicted, and dumped by his galfren... ya know, the dumps, and so he tried to jump off the casino building. And the casino guys tried to help him and were all nice and started him playing at the tables, and long story short, loser-guy wins like 6 million dollars, and they found his galfren and they make up (NOT coz of the 6 million-- she didn't know). Anyway, prior to that they tried to get a psychologist who was there for a convention to talk to loser-suicidal-guy, and the guy wouldn't talk to the psychologist coz he's too busy winning money right... At the end of the day/show, when loser-guy has his 6 million and his galfren back, the casino guy went:"With 6 million dollars and a forgiving galfren, this guy doesn't need a psychologist."
Hah. I'm thinking there's quite a bit of truth in there, no? =p
<04 April 2005 - 10:45 a.m.>
.Cats and Dogs.
Raining cats and dogs. Stuck at home. $#%#$#@$^&?!!!
<04 April 2005 - 12:10 a.m.>
.Bad back.
��True love is when you see her flaws, understand her weaknesses, overlook her imperfections, and you still can't live without her.��
Saw this on the trailer for some Ch 5 show. Well, a lil�� cheesy I know, but I'm in one those moods... Bite me. And stop pelting those rubber chickens.
Heh. Sorry. Those who know me long enough will know I get corny and cheesy when I'm stressed/tired/bored/annoyed/generally unhappily. Been feeling kinda edgy-depressed-bored-lonely-i-dunno-what. Maybe it's time to buy another sappy Japanese/Korean/Taiwanese romance drama serial. ( + _ + )
General sian-ness. Maybe I should snack on some of the junk I just bought from Cold Storage��. Damnit! I bought so much junk and there's nothing I actually want to eat. Bleah. I want to eat something but there's nothing I want to eat. Ugh, I hate it when I get like that. X( Double bleah. X(
Anyway, decided finally to go for ballet. Back and injured leg had been reli bad the past two days especially, so I was considering giving them a rest. But then everything is pulling so tight I'm thinking the mobilization may do some good. In spite of all the well-intentioned advice to rest I've been getting, I'm insisting that lack of activity's the cause of the injuiry-prone/laden state of my body. =S I'm just dreading the highly likely reality of immense pain tomorrow.
And this site's starting to piss me off man. Not only is there now a lag in putting up and displaying my entries, they screwed up my uploaded images such that the later pictures are missing. My ��archives�� section's gone too. =( No wonder Ti-en couldn't find my ��Plato�� entry. =( I should move everything to another domain soon man. But, aiyo, so leh-cheh! I'll have to move so many things, re-do my htmls��. ( + _ + ) Where got time now?? Since I'm on the topic of moving, my mom's been stressing me ��bt moving my stuff too. =( My mom got new furniture for my room, which means I'll have to pack and throw away stuff, move everything out, throw out the old furniture, wait for the wiring problem to be fixed in my room, then move the new stuff and my stuff back in. =S Where got time?? X(
Sigh, and all those problems at work right now��. Having quite a bad case of work burn-out. Was pretty bad yesterday, so I couldn't really do work this weekend. =(
Feeling slightly better, hope I'll be able to work tomorrow. =(
Craving for chocolate. I'll have myself some before I get ready for bed. Trying not to sleep too late so I can wake up early to go to the lab tomorrow. But I've been sleeping so badly recently. Not only have I started to grind my teeth, I've been having nightmares of strange sorts. Last night I had to kill somebody. Again. I had to shoot some kind of terrorist. Who is apparently also somebody I loved. Like a lover or boyfriend of sorts? But it's a fictional character -- nobody I actually know in real life. It felt really bad though, like I'm betraying a loved one (yah, by KILLING him)�� and the look in his eyes when I shot him�� shocked, hurt, pained, betrayed ��.. I felt so��. sad. =(
And the pain in my back's keeping me awake abit��.. Bleah, I think the amitryp's not working anymore. =(
Alright, I should go now if I wanna go in early tomorrow.
Please don't rain tomorrow.
<01 April 2005 - 2:08 p.m.>
.De-Lovely.
Listening to "In the Still of the Night" from the De-Lovely soundtrack... feelings and memories... that was one sweet movie...
In the still of the night
All the world is in slumber
All the times without number
Darling when I say to you
Do you love me, as I love you
Are you my life to be, my dream come true
Or will this dream of mine fade out of sight
Like the moon growing dim, on the rim of the hill
In the chill, still, of the night
Like the moon growing dim, on the rim of the hill
In the chill, still, of the night
Sigh, what is wrong with my life of late??
My life has become = work + work + more work
Am so sick and tired of it.
......
Alright, chin up, back to work.
<21 March 2005 - 10:14 p.m.>
."Very Die Dao".
We have a new phrase in the lab: "very die dao". Heh, can't explain it; you have to be here to know it.
Stress level in the lab is very high at present, and morale an all-time low. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I should seriously consider a switch. F- the PhD. Thinking of going over to criminal psych -- my first love in psych afterall...
Bleah. Giving up on my data for the nite. It's 10.20pm. Going to mark the darn supp. test papers over some beer and fags at breks.
....... wateva........
<15 March 2005 - 1:09 a.m.>
.Closer; Brian Botano.
OMG!! Am just watching Southpark the movie (yes, yes, I noe, it's like 4 years ago, but what the heck, I missed it then, k??) and they have a song on Brian Botano!!!!! Who would have thought?!! I love Brian Botano! One of my fav. figure-skate stars! =) Right next to Grinkov and Gordeeva... the most beautiful pairs-skaters I've ever seen... husband and wife... russian... when you watch them skate, it's like watching a love story unfold... two hearts beating as one.... really tragic though, Grinkov collapsed one day while practicing in the rink. Heart failure. He was only 29.... Oh well, life. Whadya noe...
Anyway, finally squeezed in a movie tonite. Decided to take a little break after all the stress from the conversion seminar this afternoon. Conversio went all. Panel was apparently quite impressed. Only thing's the 2.2 that may hold me back. Goddamn it you can't make one mistake in your life can you??!!
yA, BACK TO THE MOVIE. Closer is not a "nice" movie. As in, god, it's so fucked up! How do get people get so fucked up?? My god... upsetting.....
Ugh, so many movies i want to catch but... no time!! Lemony Snickett's S.O.U.E, Robots, Howl's Moving Castle, Sideways, The MAchinist, The Woodsman, Team America, Ray, Million Dollar Baby,... I'm sure there're MANY I've left out....
Argh, tired.
Ciao Ciao.
<09 March 2005 - 7:15 p.m.>
.Xhbb's new look.
There she is! Xhbb's new look.... complete with matching helmet! =)
*Injury Update*
It appears that I have a muscle tear in my hamstring insertion.... hmm, alright, wateva that is.... Ice, ultrasd, and light massage I've been told... hope it gets beta real quick though. =(
Sigh, much stress at the workfront. And I've yet dealt with the exclusive deal issue.... =( ... Shannon was doing her "OMG! It's 6 o'clock oredi!" explosion just now again; "How come it's 6 o'clock?!?!"
... heh, never fails to amuse me.... xp
Am looking forward to the do at Julz's and Ti-en's coming Fri and Sat... just hope I won't be swamped with work and be forced to give them a miss (or two?)... That'll really suck...
I miss my frens. :_(
<09 March 2005 - 3:23 p.m.>
.Pulled Ligament.
Oh man, my pulled ligament's really killing me..... Can barely stand/walk.... can't even cross my legs..... X_( .....the Synflex's not working fast enough....! X_(
Help!! X(
<08 March 2005 - 11:25 p.m.>
.Ramble ramble.
Sigh. So many things happening, so little time... so I'm juz gonna ramble abit....
-----
Finally got xhbb back. I'm independent once again. Yay! Gdbye to short flirty skirts and dainty little heels though.. :_(
-----
Jacky's really trying my patience. X(
After all that nonsense, he forgot to reconnect my IU unit. X(
------
Sick over the weekend. Didn't get a spot of work done. And had to deal with rehearsals and other kinds of crap. Bummer.
------
Finally got myself a haircut yesterday. Got a call from Ros while I was at it. Told her i was getting my hair cut and she went: "Thank God! Finally." Sheesh, was it that bad??? =(
....Not too bad though, marked half the test papers while having my hair cut..... decided to take some time out yesterday to get some work done on myself, replenish toiletries etc... met up with Mel for a quick afternoon beer and snack... sweetheart gave me a jack-in-the-box thingey to cheer me up. =) Oh, and bought some little trinkets for Tiana.... =p
_____
Danced for the AWARE event at Thumper just. Pro bono. Rare. But for a good cause, so it's alright
Oh ya, ran into Yanni there. Andrea's ex. He's working there now apparrently.
____
Alright, back to marking papers. I want to finish them tonite!!
<02 March 2005 - 11:12 p.m.>
.Double Treat.
Arggghh!
And Josh Groban after... Double treat! ( ^ _ ^ )
<02 March 2005 - 11:07 p.m.>
.Yo-Yo Ma.
Whoa.
Lounging in bed (ok, had a opened textbook on my lap, but anyway...), under the covers with a beer and a fag, and I caught Yo-Yo Ma playing at the Oscars.... What a treat! ( ^ - ^ )
Alright, back to the books. Got to teach the damn tutorial tomorrow.. and mark the darn test papers.... ( + _ + )
<02 March 2005 - 2:21 p.m.>
.Grrrrrrrrr.
Adam sent me this:
...says he can imagine me to be like that now.... Hmm, I'm slightly cuter (I hope! =S) but he's not that far off the mark I'll say....
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr............
<28 February 2005 - 6:09 p.m.>
.Esplanade.
At the Esplanade now. Stuck here for these 2 days rehearsing for the Tourism Awards Show tom. =( Thank god there're net terminals in the "Artist Lounge" (just a room where we have dinner lah)! =p Something's wrong with my stomach though: I can't eat!! I'll be starving, and I take a few bites and I'm full. Oh well, all the better anyway. The dressing room backstage's really nice though, furnished by the Oriental, thank you very much. =p
Oh, ran into Alan Lai from the hall last nite at Book. We've not met since we left the hall. He looks exacly the same! He's doing his phD too, so we promised to meet up one of these days to collectively agonise over our papers and periodicals... =p Still remember the time we did our first Rag and Flag for TH: he only had one copy of the Rag photo we took together so he did a sketch of it and gave it to me instead.... hah, sounds like something I would do! =p Anyway i framed it up but I dunno where i've placed it... =( ... together with the cartoon Jahan did of me + my pastel work of the girl in flames... =( Damn i need to pack my room.... !!
Ok. Gtg. Sneak a smoke in before rehearsals start again.
Adios.
<27 February 2005 - 1:22 a.m.>
.Motif.
Now Playing: Elgar's Concerto for Cello and Orchestra in E Minor, Opus 85. The one by Jacqueline Du Pre. One of my all-time fav.s. Breaks my heart everytime.
And my life plays out
like a lonely chord on broken strings...
..That was more in response to "The Farmhouse" (Barrington Pheloung)though. Milan Kundera wrote in one of his books that we all have a main motif (musical motif, that is) and we live our lives in accord to it. Think it was in The Unbearable Lightness of Being, but then i might have been confused with his other works. The one where he mentioned Anna K anyway... Brought to mind what Kevin once said about me seeking out the melancholy in life. It's a vicious cycle -- because one is of melancholic disposition, one seeks out melancholia which reinforces the melancholic life/personality and there it goes again.... what did i say? ������һ����һ�ε��ֻ�.... Oh well, what does one do about it then? It doesn't quite work out if you consciously try to change it right, cause at the core of it all, we are who we are. And if we try to deny our true selves and be something else..... Well, I don't know 'bout the others, but definitely not for me.
A long time ago someone made me promise never to change who I am, even if sometimes my well intentions backfire and i end up getting hurt.....
I think I'll stick with that.
<24 February 2005 - 11:43 p.m.>
.100 Years of Solitude.
Sometimes i think i'm ok now
So i turn around to go.
I take two steps
And hey,
guess I'm NOT.
Oh well, what do you know, it's my own shit-ass life so i guess I'll just have to live it alone.
..................
11+ on a weekday night. We need more 24hr cafes. I love cafes. I love doing my work at cafes. I have my space alone to do my work yet there's company all around. I get to do what I have to get done without the darn solitude.
Solitude.
"... ... not out of hatred or out of love but
because of the measureless understanding of solitude."
-- 100 Years of Sol